I think that if I had posted yesterday I wouldn't have been able to give the same title. Yesterday was a huge day.
Firstly, on Monday I went to the hospital with my parents so that my dad could have tests to see if the cancer had spread. He was prodded and poked and drunk liquid that he thought suspiciously looked like urine. In the afternoon he met with a Prostate Cancer Nurse and she explained all of the options that my dad has available for him. I was exhausted and I wasnt the one that was going through that, so I totally understand when my dad called time on his appointment and said he would have to come back another day as he was exhausted. His followup appointment with the Dr was yesterday where he would be given the results of his tests and give his decision of how he going to treat the cancer. The Prostate Cancer Nurse thought it would be a good idea if I would be at the appointment as it would give another set of ears and another interpretation of what the Dr was saying. My mum really wanted me to come, but after telling them i would come, I decided against it as i really needed to go to work and face it.
Yesterday I went to work. As soon as I walked in my boss asked me to have a meeting with him. What annoyed me was the new girl was sitting there and could hear the whole thing. This was planned as she starts over an hour after me, so for her to be there, something was going down. I was accused of doing things that I didn't do, but my boss didn't care. They wanted me out and really to be honest, I was sick of all the garbage and was pretty happy to go, I just sat there and gave more than I got. He said that I had the chance to resign or they would terminate me. I said I was going home, and I walked out.
Yesterday the fear set in. I have always worked. I need to work. I need to work for us to financially survive. So to have no job and not knowing how much I was going to be paid out frightened me. Yesterday I spent the day (trying to distract myself) looking for a new job.
My mum rung at 3:00pm to say that dad had been told that the cancer had not spread and it was contained in the prostate - thank fuck for that. That news made me sob like a baby. A horrible weight lifted off my chest immediately. My dads operation is booked in for 11th June 2014 - so about 6 weeks to wait. My younger brother is getting married in the USA on 28/06/14, so there is no way that my dad will be able to go as mum and dad had planned a month long trip which included an Alaska Cruise. My mum is still going to go, if I go with her. I wasnt planning to go to the wedding. It sounds heartless, but this is his second marriage and it would have cost over $20,000 for Mat and the kids and I to all go. We didnt think it was worth going into debt for a wedding.
To add to my huge day yesterday, I decided to email UoN to find out if I qualified for Open Foundations. I had read on the facebook page that you cant have a degree. So i emailed them as applications open tomorrow. The answer came back that the information was correct and you will not be offered a place if you already have a degree. Total despair as I had banked on going next semester. The email continued to say that I should call Admissions and find out if my GPA (Grade Point Average) from my last degree would qualify for entry into the degree. I rung Admissions and spoke with the loveliest girl. She asked what my GPA was - its 5.20 and she said she would look. Immediately she started to laugh and said that I would be a total shoe-in. i asked her what GPA was needed and she said that in order to qualify for an early offer you needed a GPA of 3.65. So now I dont have to worry about Open Foundations, I just need to work out what the hell i am going to do for the next 10 months until uni starts.
I didnt sleep much last night. I was worried about work. I came to the conclusion this morning that there was nothing I could do. They wanted me out and they were making it very well known. I was more expensive at 2.5 days per week than the new girl was working full time. She was brought in to do the sales role and it hasnt worked out so they are slipping her into my job as a massive saving. There is no point in worrying. I have checked my pay this morning and I have been paid out about 6 weeks pay. Its probably more, but there is additional tax for the lump sum payment. The good news is - I dont have to go back there, so really I am the winner.
Its all good today!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Its Back
My headaches have come back with a vengeance. I am still taking my preventers, but obviously the stress levels this week are a bit more than normal.
Since I found out about my Dads cancer and since the stress of work this week, I have been getting daily headaches. Yesterday all our friends were around for Harry's birthday party and I was able to forget and so I remained headache free.
Today I was hit with a doozy. The routine is to take panadol once the headache hits. To take maxalon to stop the nausea. Generally this is usually gets rid of the headache. This morning I took panadol and maxalon and it didnt do anything and the headache got worse. So for the first time since I have been taking migrane preventer tablets I also had to take a migrane tablet - remember the $10.00 pills. Thankfully it took the headache away, but it has left me feeling all woozy and tired.
I was doing so well up until last week and I was pretty much headache free, but I guess the stress of Dad and the stress of work is too much for my body to cope.
Tomorrow I am not working. I am going down to Sydney to be with my parents. My dad has to be at the hospital at 9:00am for all of the tests that they need to run. They need to see what his health is like and to see if the cancer has spread.
I have finally decided what I am going to do and it does make me feel a bit better.
With work - I am going to leave. Whether I am fired or whether i resign I am going to go. I have been worried all along what I am going to do for work and have been applying for jobs that are either supermarket cashier or simple admin jobs. The way I was feeling, I would have taken anything. I had a brainwave this morning and I am going to ring around some mobile book keepers and see if they need anyone for casual work. I have a skill and even if I dont want to do it anymore, I can use it as a means to make money for the mean time. The difference I feel is immense.
With my Dad - I am so glad that he came up for Harry's party. He wasnt going to come as he is too feeling lost and helpless. Just seeing him gave me a confidence that he is going to be OK. Hopefully tomorrow we get some positive news.
With Uni - I am going to go back. A friend that came up yesterday, her 22 year old daughter graduated from Uni at the end of last year. She is now a Registered Nurse and she loves it. We have known her daughter for 9 year and the difference in her from when she was at school to now she has finished uni is astounding. The lease of life this girl has. She is so positive and basically has a love for life and loves doing what she is doing. So it has cemented it in my mind. What can I lose!
So as I am keen to go back, I am bummed that UoN does not have a mid year intake. They do have a thing called Open Foundations. It is really for people that have not attended Uni before and are over the age of 20. It allows you to do a couple of subjects and the marks that you get allow you entry in the Bachelor of Nursing. I probably don't need to do it, but I think it is worth doing and it keeps me ticking along until I can start next year.
I have to do two subjects - Science for Nursing and Midwifery. I have not done anything Science related since year 10 and then I was not good at it. So I think this will be quite valuable. The other subject is Into to Maths - hey I have an Accounting Degree, so I dont need maths, but to do Open Foundations you have to do two subjects, so I guess it will just be an easy course for me.
Applications for the course open on 1st May - Thursday and then they have an information day in a couple of weeks, so I will go in and see what it is about.
At least I feel positive that I am moving forward.
Since I found out about my Dads cancer and since the stress of work this week, I have been getting daily headaches. Yesterday all our friends were around for Harry's birthday party and I was able to forget and so I remained headache free.
Today I was hit with a doozy. The routine is to take panadol once the headache hits. To take maxalon to stop the nausea. Generally this is usually gets rid of the headache. This morning I took panadol and maxalon and it didnt do anything and the headache got worse. So for the first time since I have been taking migrane preventer tablets I also had to take a migrane tablet - remember the $10.00 pills. Thankfully it took the headache away, but it has left me feeling all woozy and tired.
I was doing so well up until last week and I was pretty much headache free, but I guess the stress of Dad and the stress of work is too much for my body to cope.
Tomorrow I am not working. I am going down to Sydney to be with my parents. My dad has to be at the hospital at 9:00am for all of the tests that they need to run. They need to see what his health is like and to see if the cancer has spread.
I have finally decided what I am going to do and it does make me feel a bit better.
With work - I am going to leave. Whether I am fired or whether i resign I am going to go. I have been worried all along what I am going to do for work and have been applying for jobs that are either supermarket cashier or simple admin jobs. The way I was feeling, I would have taken anything. I had a brainwave this morning and I am going to ring around some mobile book keepers and see if they need anyone for casual work. I have a skill and even if I dont want to do it anymore, I can use it as a means to make money for the mean time. The difference I feel is immense.
With my Dad - I am so glad that he came up for Harry's party. He wasnt going to come as he is too feeling lost and helpless. Just seeing him gave me a confidence that he is going to be OK. Hopefully tomorrow we get some positive news.
With Uni - I am going to go back. A friend that came up yesterday, her 22 year old daughter graduated from Uni at the end of last year. She is now a Registered Nurse and she loves it. We have known her daughter for 9 year and the difference in her from when she was at school to now she has finished uni is astounding. The lease of life this girl has. She is so positive and basically has a love for life and loves doing what she is doing. So it has cemented it in my mind. What can I lose!
So as I am keen to go back, I am bummed that UoN does not have a mid year intake. They do have a thing called Open Foundations. It is really for people that have not attended Uni before and are over the age of 20. It allows you to do a couple of subjects and the marks that you get allow you entry in the Bachelor of Nursing. I probably don't need to do it, but I think it is worth doing and it keeps me ticking along until I can start next year.
I have to do two subjects - Science for Nursing and Midwifery. I have not done anything Science related since year 10 and then I was not good at it. So I think this will be quite valuable. The other subject is Into to Maths - hey I have an Accounting Degree, so I dont need maths, but to do Open Foundations you have to do two subjects, so I guess it will just be an easy course for me.
Applications for the course open on 1st May - Thursday and then they have an information day in a couple of weeks, so I will go in and see what it is about.
At least I feel positive that I am moving forward.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Resignation
I have never resigned from a job without another one to go to. I toy with the idea of giving in my resignation and it does give me relief knowing that I dont have to worry about that place anymore. Not have to worry about the bills, not have to worry about the rest of the daily garbage there. Then, when I think of all the things that I do, that only I do, I dont think that they will be able to cope. I am sure in reality they will, but I am hoping that it is a pain in the butt for them to try and work it all out.
It actually scares the shit out of me to resign. How do we survive financially - OK i know we will survive financially, we always manage to, but to drop my whole income when I already feel like we dont have enough - that scares me. Does it scare me enough to stay - I dont know.
I know that if I stay, it will continue the way it is. It doesnt get better, I have hoped for 5 years that it will get better and it never does. He takes too much money out of the business for it to get better. His wife is oblivious to the crap that goes on there - I wonder when the last time her super was paid - mine was paid in August 2013 - so 9 months overdue.
Time to walk away - time to move on.
It actually scares the shit out of me to resign. How do we survive financially - OK i know we will survive financially, we always manage to, but to drop my whole income when I already feel like we dont have enough - that scares me. Does it scare me enough to stay - I dont know.
I know that if I stay, it will continue the way it is. It doesnt get better, I have hoped for 5 years that it will get better and it never does. He takes too much money out of the business for it to get better. His wife is oblivious to the crap that goes on there - I wonder when the last time her super was paid - mine was paid in August 2013 - so 9 months overdue.
Time to walk away - time to move on.
The C Word
Tuesday was a pretty crappy day.
Generally my parents take my kids the first week of the school holidays and I take off the second week to spend with them. These holidays my parents were going to have the kids as normal, but I was only allowed to have the Tuesday off, not the Wednesday.
My work has turned into a pretty hostile environment. I used to take my laptop home from work and I would do the wages from home when I was off and it saved going in and it meant people still got paid. Not now, I am not allowed to take my computer home, so it meant if I did not go in, people (including me) would not be paid.
Tuesday morning was great. Harry was at Daycare and Ella and I looked forward to spending the day together. We went to a movie in the morning and we came home around lunchtime. I then received an email from work. It was a remittance saying I had been paid back some money for something that I put on my credit card - I then logged onto the company bank account to see if a payment had come through. Usually there are three bank accounts that I see, but on Tuesday there was nothing. I was able to log on, but nothing came up. The company has another bank account with a different bank, I logged on and again it was the same. Here we go again. This is the passive aggressive people that I work for. Every time I go on holidays they have to try and ruin it. I used to get emails to my phone, but I turned them off last month when my fuel card was taken away. Before, when I used to receive emails, I would always get horrible emails that would ruin my days off. So now they cant get to me that way, so I guess this is their new way to upset me.
That had upset me, and then my mum phoned. All I remember was she said 'aggressive cancer'
Remember I said my parents were supposed to have the kids in the first week of the holidays. Mum rung up last Sunday morning. We had just packed the kids clothes ready to leave to take them down to my parents. My mum said she had hurt her back and could not take the kids. She also mentioned that dad was spending the following day in hospital having a biopsy. Nothing had been said before, and it was only when I probed mum further that she told me that Dad had had a routine prostate blood test last year and it came back elevated. He was told not to be concerned and then when he went back this year it was more elevated. They had to wait a month to get into the specialist and another month for the biopsy. Even though mum rung a couple of hours after the initial phone call to say her back was feeling better and she could have the kids - I told her that she needed to be with dad when he went through the biopsy and not to worry about the kids. We were also told that the Urologist thought that dad only had a 30% chance that it would come back as cancer.
Mum said it would take about a week to get the results back. To be honest I had totally forgotten about it, so on Tuesday when mum rung and said it was 'agressive cancer' my world stopped and I burst into tears. Already feeling low from the garbage at work, I sobbed and sobbed and my mum did too. How did this happen, it couldnt happen - not to my dad.
I felt like I was sinking, drowning, in grief. Grief for my dad, grief for me. I may be 36 years old, but no way do I feel ready to lose my parents. Grief for my mum. What if the worst happens and we lose my dad, how would she cope. How would she survive. Where would she live. I know that financially that she would be OK, but emotionally. She has never paid bills, never had to worry about money, dad has done all that.
I can understand how people slip into depression. I felt a terrible weight. With the troubles at work and now with the news of my dad, I felt hopeless, total despair. I wanted to go to bed and just cry, stay there and not come out. The day after was Harry's birthday. I felt so low, but didnt want to ruin the day for him. Sick, sick, sick. Sick with the feeling of what was going on at work, sick when i looked on the internet and there was no jobs. Sick when I thought of my poor dad and how he must of been feeling.
Then I thought of the degree that I am deciding whether to pursue or not. Can I deal with heartbreak like this. Can I help people when they are going through possibly the worst time in their life? Am I cut out for this?????
On Monday my dad goes back to hospital for the day to run tests. He needs a bone scan to see if the cancer has spread and he needs an MRI and blood tests. I want to be there for him and mum and support them through this day. Dad is quite a private person, so I dont know if he will want me to be there. Thankfully if I go, it will give me one more day away from work, one more day that I can avoid that place and one more day to type my resignation letter.
Generally my parents take my kids the first week of the school holidays and I take off the second week to spend with them. These holidays my parents were going to have the kids as normal, but I was only allowed to have the Tuesday off, not the Wednesday.
My work has turned into a pretty hostile environment. I used to take my laptop home from work and I would do the wages from home when I was off and it saved going in and it meant people still got paid. Not now, I am not allowed to take my computer home, so it meant if I did not go in, people (including me) would not be paid.
Tuesday morning was great. Harry was at Daycare and Ella and I looked forward to spending the day together. We went to a movie in the morning and we came home around lunchtime. I then received an email from work. It was a remittance saying I had been paid back some money for something that I put on my credit card - I then logged onto the company bank account to see if a payment had come through. Usually there are three bank accounts that I see, but on Tuesday there was nothing. I was able to log on, but nothing came up. The company has another bank account with a different bank, I logged on and again it was the same. Here we go again. This is the passive aggressive people that I work for. Every time I go on holidays they have to try and ruin it. I used to get emails to my phone, but I turned them off last month when my fuel card was taken away. Before, when I used to receive emails, I would always get horrible emails that would ruin my days off. So now they cant get to me that way, so I guess this is their new way to upset me.
That had upset me, and then my mum phoned. All I remember was she said 'aggressive cancer'
Remember I said my parents were supposed to have the kids in the first week of the holidays. Mum rung up last Sunday morning. We had just packed the kids clothes ready to leave to take them down to my parents. My mum said she had hurt her back and could not take the kids. She also mentioned that dad was spending the following day in hospital having a biopsy. Nothing had been said before, and it was only when I probed mum further that she told me that Dad had had a routine prostate blood test last year and it came back elevated. He was told not to be concerned and then when he went back this year it was more elevated. They had to wait a month to get into the specialist and another month for the biopsy. Even though mum rung a couple of hours after the initial phone call to say her back was feeling better and she could have the kids - I told her that she needed to be with dad when he went through the biopsy and not to worry about the kids. We were also told that the Urologist thought that dad only had a 30% chance that it would come back as cancer.
Mum said it would take about a week to get the results back. To be honest I had totally forgotten about it, so on Tuesday when mum rung and said it was 'agressive cancer' my world stopped and I burst into tears. Already feeling low from the garbage at work, I sobbed and sobbed and my mum did too. How did this happen, it couldnt happen - not to my dad.
I felt like I was sinking, drowning, in grief. Grief for my dad, grief for me. I may be 36 years old, but no way do I feel ready to lose my parents. Grief for my mum. What if the worst happens and we lose my dad, how would she cope. How would she survive. Where would she live. I know that financially that she would be OK, but emotionally. She has never paid bills, never had to worry about money, dad has done all that.
I can understand how people slip into depression. I felt a terrible weight. With the troubles at work and now with the news of my dad, I felt hopeless, total despair. I wanted to go to bed and just cry, stay there and not come out. The day after was Harry's birthday. I felt so low, but didnt want to ruin the day for him. Sick, sick, sick. Sick with the feeling of what was going on at work, sick when i looked on the internet and there was no jobs. Sick when I thought of my poor dad and how he must of been feeling.
Then I thought of the degree that I am deciding whether to pursue or not. Can I deal with heartbreak like this. Can I help people when they are going through possibly the worst time in their life? Am I cut out for this?????
On Monday my dad goes back to hospital for the day to run tests. He needs a bone scan to see if the cancer has spread and he needs an MRI and blood tests. I want to be there for him and mum and support them through this day. Dad is quite a private person, so I dont know if he will want me to be there. Thankfully if I go, it will give me one more day away from work, one more day that I can avoid that place and one more day to type my resignation letter.
Midlife Crisis
I am having a crisis of confidence.
I hate my job. I can honestly say that I don't want to work there a minute longer. I have hated my job for awhile, actually for a long time, but I have always put up with it, knowing the money was good for where we were living and it was pretty flexible, so good for the kids.
I have worked in my job for 5 years. It has been 5 years since we moved up from Sydney. During this time I have complained time and time again and I have many times applied for jobs, but not serious about leaving when I found out the money that was on offer working for other places.
This year it has all come to ahead. My boss has taken on a franchise and has hired another person in the office. Suddenly after 5 years, I am not in control and I have been forced out. I have not been involved in any of the 'new' company things and I feel like the outsider, rather than the new girl feeling this way.
For the first 4.5 years it was just me and my boss. It has been stressful the whole time. I generally work on my own, with my boss running the job sites. The cash flow was always poor and I was constantly being hounded for money. As I was only part time (30 hours per week over 3 days) my boss still needed support when I wasnt there. I had emails coming to my personal phone and I had subcontractors and my boss ringing me all times of the day.
One of the perks of my job was a fuel card. It was part of my wage and i have had it for the past 4 years. I knew I was given the perk and i was happy to do the extra work without being paid. Last month I was told in a group meeting that my fuel card would be taken away. I am annoyed that my boss did not have the guts to tell me this when I was on my own and he does not even care that I have not had a pay rise for 4 years and now I have been given a pay cut. In response to the fuel card being taken away, I took the emails off my phone and now I am only contactable when I am working. Do I think that this has contributed to the problems that I feel are at work - probably.
I have always gotten headaches, but rarely called them migranes, which would render me useless and I would find myself on the bathroom floor with my head down the toilet. This would happen every couple of months, and i found that if I went to sleep they would be gone in the morning. Earlier this year i started getting migranes, frequent migranes. Like three times a week and they would last for more than a day. I would go to bed with a headache and I would wake up with one. My head would be throbbing in the night. I was quite scared that they were now so frequent and so intense. Nothing was helping. I was popping Neurofen like they were candy and they were doing nothing. The new girl at work suggested I get my eyes checked as the headaches always seemed to come on when i was at work. I went and had my eyes checked and they were all good, so then the fear set in and i was petrified that I had a brain tumor. I went to my GP and she said it was classic migrane symptoms and would send me off to have a catscan. She also gave me anti-nausea medicine and migrane tablets - little did I know at the time that those tablets cost $40.00 a box and only contain 4 tablets. Within two days I was popping my first migrane tablet. When I went back to the GP the following week, she said that the catscan was clear (thank goodness) and she would have to put me on preventer tablets to stop the migranes. How pathetic is that. So much stress in my job that I have to take daily medication to combat the migranes.
Let me go back and give you a bit of a background on me.
I am on of four kids. I have three brothers. I am the only girl. All my brothers were diagnosed with ADD when I was a child. One has since had his diagnosis cancelled and they changed it to Dyslexia. My father is an Accountant. He has never worked in an accounting office, but always worked quite high up for large corporations. I remember as a child him not being too interested in my schooling (probably because he was working his butt off to support four kids in private school) the only thing I remember him telling me that I was the only one of the kids that would go to uni. I dont think I was ever asked if I wanted to go to uni, it was just expected of me. I would do anything to make my dad proud of me. In year 11 and 12 I took Economics - oh my goodness I hated that subject, but I thought if I did it my dad would be proud of me. I dont think it worked. The end of school came and I had no idea what I wanted to be, but I knew I had to go to uni.
I took a year off after school and worked and when the uni application time came around I went for the degree that sounded the most interesting - it was Criminology. I took it thinking my dad would be proud. I think he thought it was a useless degree and it was. Three years later what did I get - a degree that wasnt worth the paper it was written on and a HECS debt. During this time I had been working at Vodafone in the customer service department and then I was promoted to the customer accounting section. I did quite well here, but I resigned so that I could spend a month in England with my now husband.
When I came back from England I started looking for jobs. I knew I was going to move to England so it was only a short term job and I sort of fell into accounting. I starting doing accounts for a little tin pot company. I did that for the last couple of weeks before I moved to England and when I was in England I did the same work - no training, but I picked it up easily and it seemed quite easy to get a job.
When we moved back to Australia at the end of 2002 I thought that I should probably go to Tafe and get some qualifications. It would make it easier to get a job. So I did the Diploma of Accounting. It was full time for 1.5 years and I loved it. I got high distinctions in everything. I remember in company accounts I was disappointed that I got 99% and my Chinese teacher told me to suck it up, even he would be happy with that mark. After the diploma I found out that I could get half of the accounting degree credited for prior study. It was in a job interview at the end of 2004 that I stupidly told my future boss that I was going to go to uni and study for my accounting degree. They gave me the job on the condition that I followed through. So as I was told I went. I got half of the degree credited, but I really felt like I had been left behind. Yes I did well and came out with a 5.20GPA, but I felt like I walked out as clueless as I walked in.
At work I had no training, no help from a qualified accountant. I was drifting. In my positions since I have done the same thing. Never had mentorship from a qualified accountant and so I have just drifted. Where I work now, it is dodgy to the core. So much is wrong there, but I have felt that I am pushing shit up a hill trying to do things the correct way. The problem with being there for so long, I have not progressed. I am not doing anything you need a degree for. Any monkey can do my job. Now when I look for job adverts, every accounting job I think that I am not qualified enough and so I dont go for. Any of the jobs I do go for, they want to offer monkeys wages.
About 8 weeks ago I decided that I had had enough. I started applying for jobs. The first job I applied for was for a landcaping architects. I currently work in the building industry. I have also worked for a very well known landscaping company. I thought with my experience I would be a shoe in for an interview - I didnt even get that, just a rejection letter. All of the jobs I have applied for since, I have not even received a rejection letter, I have not heard anything. Jobs that I go for they even have noted that there will be such a high volume of applicants they will only contact you if you are successful - great. I have also found out that there are probably about 200 applicants for every part time job advertised. So pushing shit up a hill to find another job - talk about pathetic!!!
So here I am at 36 years old working out what the fuck I am going to do. I dont want to be a stay at home mum - we do and we dont have the money for that. I would love to be a lady that lunches, but I know that I would eventually go insane. One of the things I am scared of is going from one shit job to the next one. I may be lucky and score a job, but am I going to be in the same position in a couple of years. Really I am qualified to do nothing.
I have two university degrees. They were both a waste of time. The thought of going back at 36 years old scares the pants off me. Social work was what I thought about last year, but I dont think I could hack the heartache. Last year I briefly thought about nursing and then I put it out of my mind when my work was quite good for a brief moment. When it all turned to shit again at the beginning of this year, it came back into my mind. To me it felt like an itch that I needed to scratch. I have always loved anything medical and have always said that my dream job would be to work on the triage desk in emergency just to find out what everyone has done to themselves. I love medical shows and would watch them around the clock if allowed to.
Sadly when I looked into nursing, even though it was before Uni started for the year, I was too late to get in. So now all I can do is think about nursing and going back to uni.
I think of myself as a bit of a loser. 36 years old and one crappy job after another. Would i even cut it as a nurse. Would i cope? I told my husband Mat what I was thinking. Did he think I was mad - actually he was the voice of reason. If I do end up going to uni next year I will be 37. I will be 40 when I graduate. That means that I have about 20 years left at work, or according to Tony Abbott I will have 30 years left at work.
I hate my job. I can honestly say that I don't want to work there a minute longer. I have hated my job for awhile, actually for a long time, but I have always put up with it, knowing the money was good for where we were living and it was pretty flexible, so good for the kids.
I have worked in my job for 5 years. It has been 5 years since we moved up from Sydney. During this time I have complained time and time again and I have many times applied for jobs, but not serious about leaving when I found out the money that was on offer working for other places.
This year it has all come to ahead. My boss has taken on a franchise and has hired another person in the office. Suddenly after 5 years, I am not in control and I have been forced out. I have not been involved in any of the 'new' company things and I feel like the outsider, rather than the new girl feeling this way.
For the first 4.5 years it was just me and my boss. It has been stressful the whole time. I generally work on my own, with my boss running the job sites. The cash flow was always poor and I was constantly being hounded for money. As I was only part time (30 hours per week over 3 days) my boss still needed support when I wasnt there. I had emails coming to my personal phone and I had subcontractors and my boss ringing me all times of the day.
One of the perks of my job was a fuel card. It was part of my wage and i have had it for the past 4 years. I knew I was given the perk and i was happy to do the extra work without being paid. Last month I was told in a group meeting that my fuel card would be taken away. I am annoyed that my boss did not have the guts to tell me this when I was on my own and he does not even care that I have not had a pay rise for 4 years and now I have been given a pay cut. In response to the fuel card being taken away, I took the emails off my phone and now I am only contactable when I am working. Do I think that this has contributed to the problems that I feel are at work - probably.
I have always gotten headaches, but rarely called them migranes, which would render me useless and I would find myself on the bathroom floor with my head down the toilet. This would happen every couple of months, and i found that if I went to sleep they would be gone in the morning. Earlier this year i started getting migranes, frequent migranes. Like three times a week and they would last for more than a day. I would go to bed with a headache and I would wake up with one. My head would be throbbing in the night. I was quite scared that they were now so frequent and so intense. Nothing was helping. I was popping Neurofen like they were candy and they were doing nothing. The new girl at work suggested I get my eyes checked as the headaches always seemed to come on when i was at work. I went and had my eyes checked and they were all good, so then the fear set in and i was petrified that I had a brain tumor. I went to my GP and she said it was classic migrane symptoms and would send me off to have a catscan. She also gave me anti-nausea medicine and migrane tablets - little did I know at the time that those tablets cost $40.00 a box and only contain 4 tablets. Within two days I was popping my first migrane tablet. When I went back to the GP the following week, she said that the catscan was clear (thank goodness) and she would have to put me on preventer tablets to stop the migranes. How pathetic is that. So much stress in my job that I have to take daily medication to combat the migranes.
Let me go back and give you a bit of a background on me.
I am on of four kids. I have three brothers. I am the only girl. All my brothers were diagnosed with ADD when I was a child. One has since had his diagnosis cancelled and they changed it to Dyslexia. My father is an Accountant. He has never worked in an accounting office, but always worked quite high up for large corporations. I remember as a child him not being too interested in my schooling (probably because he was working his butt off to support four kids in private school) the only thing I remember him telling me that I was the only one of the kids that would go to uni. I dont think I was ever asked if I wanted to go to uni, it was just expected of me. I would do anything to make my dad proud of me. In year 11 and 12 I took Economics - oh my goodness I hated that subject, but I thought if I did it my dad would be proud of me. I dont think it worked. The end of school came and I had no idea what I wanted to be, but I knew I had to go to uni.
I took a year off after school and worked and when the uni application time came around I went for the degree that sounded the most interesting - it was Criminology. I took it thinking my dad would be proud. I think he thought it was a useless degree and it was. Three years later what did I get - a degree that wasnt worth the paper it was written on and a HECS debt. During this time I had been working at Vodafone in the customer service department and then I was promoted to the customer accounting section. I did quite well here, but I resigned so that I could spend a month in England with my now husband.
When I came back from England I started looking for jobs. I knew I was going to move to England so it was only a short term job and I sort of fell into accounting. I starting doing accounts for a little tin pot company. I did that for the last couple of weeks before I moved to England and when I was in England I did the same work - no training, but I picked it up easily and it seemed quite easy to get a job.
When we moved back to Australia at the end of 2002 I thought that I should probably go to Tafe and get some qualifications. It would make it easier to get a job. So I did the Diploma of Accounting. It was full time for 1.5 years and I loved it. I got high distinctions in everything. I remember in company accounts I was disappointed that I got 99% and my Chinese teacher told me to suck it up, even he would be happy with that mark. After the diploma I found out that I could get half of the accounting degree credited for prior study. It was in a job interview at the end of 2004 that I stupidly told my future boss that I was going to go to uni and study for my accounting degree. They gave me the job on the condition that I followed through. So as I was told I went. I got half of the degree credited, but I really felt like I had been left behind. Yes I did well and came out with a 5.20GPA, but I felt like I walked out as clueless as I walked in.
At work I had no training, no help from a qualified accountant. I was drifting. In my positions since I have done the same thing. Never had mentorship from a qualified accountant and so I have just drifted. Where I work now, it is dodgy to the core. So much is wrong there, but I have felt that I am pushing shit up a hill trying to do things the correct way. The problem with being there for so long, I have not progressed. I am not doing anything you need a degree for. Any monkey can do my job. Now when I look for job adverts, every accounting job I think that I am not qualified enough and so I dont go for. Any of the jobs I do go for, they want to offer monkeys wages.
About 8 weeks ago I decided that I had had enough. I started applying for jobs. The first job I applied for was for a landcaping architects. I currently work in the building industry. I have also worked for a very well known landscaping company. I thought with my experience I would be a shoe in for an interview - I didnt even get that, just a rejection letter. All of the jobs I have applied for since, I have not even received a rejection letter, I have not heard anything. Jobs that I go for they even have noted that there will be such a high volume of applicants they will only contact you if you are successful - great. I have also found out that there are probably about 200 applicants for every part time job advertised. So pushing shit up a hill to find another job - talk about pathetic!!!
So here I am at 36 years old working out what the fuck I am going to do. I dont want to be a stay at home mum - we do and we dont have the money for that. I would love to be a lady that lunches, but I know that I would eventually go insane. One of the things I am scared of is going from one shit job to the next one. I may be lucky and score a job, but am I going to be in the same position in a couple of years. Really I am qualified to do nothing.
I have two university degrees. They were both a waste of time. The thought of going back at 36 years old scares the pants off me. Social work was what I thought about last year, but I dont think I could hack the heartache. Last year I briefly thought about nursing and then I put it out of my mind when my work was quite good for a brief moment. When it all turned to shit again at the beginning of this year, it came back into my mind. To me it felt like an itch that I needed to scratch. I have always loved anything medical and have always said that my dream job would be to work on the triage desk in emergency just to find out what everyone has done to themselves. I love medical shows and would watch them around the clock if allowed to.
Sadly when I looked into nursing, even though it was before Uni started for the year, I was too late to get in. So now all I can do is think about nursing and going back to uni.
I think of myself as a bit of a loser. 36 years old and one crappy job after another. Would i even cut it as a nurse. Would i cope? I told my husband Mat what I was thinking. Did he think I was mad - actually he was the voice of reason. If I do end up going to uni next year I will be 37. I will be 40 when I graduate. That means that I have about 20 years left at work, or according to Tony Abbott I will have 30 years left at work.
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